Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
why can’t I look at myself at all?
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In my past destructive years, I experienced deep hurt and shame. Some of it came from my own choices, and some from the actions of others. Either way, it left a mark.
During that dark time, I formed a habit of covering the pain with alcohol and drugs. It worked—for a moment. It numbed the ache. But when reality came back, the bandage slipped off and exposed the wound all over again.
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That cycle went on for years.
I felt trapped… and I didn’t know a way out.
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Each day, I pushed myself to do what I had been taught—get out of bed, take a shower, get dressed, and face the day. But even in those simple routines, the weight of shame followed me.
In the shower, I would turn the water as hot as I could handle, hoping somehow it would wash the shame down the drain.
It never did.
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And then there was the mirror.
I dreaded it.
I believed it never lied.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall…
you’re nothing but trash.
Dirty. Used. Full of darkness.
Unwanted.
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So I avoided it.
I wouldn’t look directly at myself—especially not into my own eyes. I would glance just long enough to make sure I looked “put together” on the outside, but I refused to truly see the person staring back at me.
Because in my mind…
she was unforgivable.
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This went on for years.
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Then recovery entered my life.
As the fog of alcohol and drugs began to lift, I started receiving guidance from women who came alongside me. They offered encouragement, truth… and sometimes hard challenges.
One of those challenges was this:
Look at yourself in the mirror.
Eye to eye.
Every day.
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I didn’t want to do it.
But I knew I needed to.
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So I started.
Each morning, I would stand there… uncomfortable, exposed, and unsure. I would force myself to look—not at what I believed about myself, but at what God said about me.
It wasn’t easy.
In fact, it was painful.
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But something began to happen.
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As I pushed through the shame, something deeper started to take root.
I began to understand a truth I had missed for years:
God had already forgiven me.
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He had removed my sins.
“As far as the east is from the west…” — Psalm 103:12
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I was learning to forgive others.
But I hadn’t forgiven myself.
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That mirror became a place of healing.
A place where I had to confront the lies… and replace them with truth.
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Over time, that daily practice broke something in me.
It broke the bondage of unforgiveness.
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I began to see myself differently.
Not through shame.
Not through my past.
But through God’s eyes.
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Now, I can look at the woman in the mirror.
Eye to eye.
And believe…
I am okay.
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Not because of anything I’ve done.
But because of who God says I am.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall…
the woman looking back at me now
is the one God created—
and the one He wants to share with the world.
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This story is just one part of a much deeper journey of healing, forgiveness, and transformation.
If you want to read more about how God carried me out of that darkness and into a life of purpose and freedom, I invite you into that story.
👉 Carried by Faith: From Substance Abuse to a Life Filled with Miracles
